Your dad touched me again.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
