Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
