you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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