i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
