her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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