So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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