You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
When did angry sex become our thing?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
