I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Randomize
