Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
