You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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