just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
