i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize