worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
