I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
