ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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