I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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