I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
