Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
