i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize