Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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