I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
