That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
