Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize