I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
