I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
