It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
