Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
