yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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