i wish my penis had a tongue
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
