I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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