I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just had sex on a roof
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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