I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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