My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Mom said you looked used
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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