I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
