Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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