Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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