My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
