these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
