I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
