I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
