shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
