marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Randomize
