Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
