Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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