Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
