Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
