Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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