When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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