im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
