How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
