best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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