Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize