update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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