I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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