I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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