I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
