I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
