To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
