your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
