Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
