Got a toothbrush?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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