please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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