it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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