I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
