A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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