My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize