You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
