Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
