im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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