how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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