youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Randomize
