My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
