I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize