just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
